Polyamorous Relationships: Rules, Psychology, Tips, and Taboos

17.04.2020

Few of us spend our whole lives with our first love. Besides, there are a lot of unfaithful people around, and you definitely know men and women who are torn between two loved ones and can’t choose the one. Men visit single women sites, and women attract men with Instagram photos when their partners don’t see it.

For most of us, relationships in which someone third is present are simply unacceptable. However, now there are more and more couples who not only support soulmates in their love affairs but also contribute to this in every way. This kind of affection is called polyamory. What is polyamorous? Polyamory is an open relationship with several partners at once. There are more and more polyamorous relationships every year, and we've decided to talk about this phenomenon.

Everything You Wanted to Know About Polyamory

So, what is the polyamorous definition? Polyamorous people (who love several people at once) claim that the imposed model of a family of two people, who are obliged to be faithful to each other, makes many unhappy. After all, not everyone is capable of this. A man can’t say to his girlfriend that she is the one, and his woman is also not sure that she wants to spend the whole life with him. It’s just that these people can love several at once. Polyamory is a broader concept than polygamy. The philosophy of polyamory is complete trust in the partner and the absence of secrets about other relationships. Polyamorous relationships are formed only by mutual agreement, provided that everyone in a couple is happy with everything.

Polyamorous people often form families and even communities where several men and women live. These families are flexible: each member can leave the family or bring someone new, with the approval of others.

Is it the norm? Psychologists try to avoid the notion of “norm,” they don’t turn to it in practice – it’s difficult to fit all people into one framework. According to polyamorous relationship stories, polyamory comes in different ways: someone is looking for partners with qualities that they lack. Someone chooses polyamory, unconsciously trying to attract attention, for example, if there were difficulties with the relationship before. Many are haunted by the feeling of total loneliness that was observed in their parents’ relationships. Sometimes young people who want to try a new type of connection become polyamorous. Having gained new experience, they often return to monogamy. But it is bad if people don’t come to such relationships on their own (others are imposing polyamory on them). In such relationships, jealousy often wakes up, and after some time, people find themselves participants in someone’s game.

Main Drawbacks of Polyamory to Consider

There are 4 drawbacks of polyamorous relationships that seem not so important at first glance, but in which the majority of participants fall.

1. Planning

The most common obstruction noted by the polyamorous people is planning. It is difficult to balance the amount of time and energy devoted to each of the partners. Moreover, if suddenly life problems happen more than for one of the regular partners, it can be extremely difficult and tedious to support each of them in such difficult issues as, for example, a change in the professional sphere, illness, problems in other respects or other difficulties. However, if someone has several partners, he or she can also get help from all of them.

2. Negative feelings

The second problem is the negative feelings. In polyamorous dating, no one is safe from envy, jealousy, or resentment, especially if one of the partners maintains relationships with only one partner and the other with several partners within the framework of a polyamorous union, and there is an imbalance in spending time together, communication, and attention.

3. This is not for long

Polyamorous vs polygamy – is there a difference? Yes. Since polyamorous relationships are not connected by anything of social values (home, children, etc.), the couple doesn’t have the motivation to continue these relationships. Meanwhile, the crisis may pass, relations and values may change, but the polyamorous partners who broke up during the first storm have no chance to start it over again.

4. It is difficult to resist the pressure of society

We are social beings, and we need to be accepted by society, otherwise, we wouldn’t fight for rights and acceptance on an equal footing. Society is intolerant of diversity. So, be prepared to either hear criticism at every turn or lie and hide your life. At work, with friends, parents, on social networks – you can’t feel calm and safe anywhere. Gradually, this forms aggression to society or yourself.

How to Be Happy in Polyamorous Relationships

Suppose both partners are interested in polyamory. In this case, a few basic polyamorous relationship rules should be considered.

1. Accept yourself for who you are

There may be difficulties in accepting a “new self,” especially in a society where they are not ready for this or when a person realizes that he/she is polyamorous and has not met people who also share this lifestyle. In this case, you may feel lonely, be ashamed of your feelings and desires, fear that you may be condemned for them.

2. Don’t be jealous

In polyamorous relationships, it seems that jealousy should be excluded, but it also occurs here. Most often, jealousy can occur when a new partner enters a polyamorous relationship because newness will be felt with it, emotions will be more vivid, passionate, intense, and you may feel that this new partner is better than the main one.

3. Formulate boundaries and rules

If the borders and rules are not clearly formulated and not understandable to all partners, then at some point, this can lead to conflicts and quarrels because it is these transparent and clear agreements that are the guarantee for each participant in polyamorous relationships. So, don’t be shy to tell what you expect, want, and what is unacceptable in relationships.

4. Discuss everything

All issues of interest should be discussed. Don’t break into an adventure. Be as specific as possible in communication, and don’t turn polyamorous relationships into continuous orgies. You can also discuss those types of sex that are acceptable or unacceptable. For example, “You can kiss a stranger but don’t have oral sex,” “You can visit polyamorous dating sites, but you should consult with me,” and so on. Even if it seems strange, you have to discuss such things anyway.

5. Weight all the pros and cons

Starting a polyamorous relationship, it is worth weighing your preferences and polyamorous relationship types, as well as possible risks. There is no guarantee that the partner will not receive serious psycho-emotional trauma after seeing a beloved having sex with a stranger. And it is also important to remember: the goal of polyamory is not to separate partners but to make life more enjoyable.

6. Love each other

In the issue of polyamorous vs polygamous relationship, there is one common pattern. If a person loves, then he/she accepts loved ones along with all the shortcomings. You should try to get used to your partners in sex, you can forgive flaws or the fact that they don’t get enough stars from the sky for you. After all, by and large, people in polyamorous relationships love not for any advantages. They just love.

Main Don’ts of Polyamorous Dating

Each couple develops own rules and sets boundaries. Usually, they make rules when they just decide to try a new relationship. If a couple decides to switch to a polyamorous lifestyle, they look not only at the formal agreement but also the informal norms in the couple. They take into account the feelings of other people so that everyone feels comfortable. So, what shouldn’t be done in polyamorous relationships?

1. Don’t be together all the time

Polyamorous people have a harder time sharing their personal time as each partner needs to be given at least an hour a day, or better, more. Problems at work, dissatisfaction with yourself, quarrels with colleagues, etc. – all this is discussed in a couple in the same way as ordinary couples discuss. To maintain a calm atmosphere, each of the members of the relationships needs a developed emotional intelligence: to be able to listen to the other and learn not to cross personal boundaries. It is important to give freedom – trust each other and allow your partners to live their own life sometimes.

2. Don’t have promiscuous sex

Polyamory is not promiscuous sexual intercourse. This is a system of ethical views, which allows the possibility of multiple love relationships for one person with several people at the same time, with the consent and approval of all participants in these relationships, without the principle of exclusivity. Thus, it allows you to negotiate and structure your relationship to more than two people who want to be in these relationships, in accordance with their choice and needs, therefore, it contributes to greater honesty and openness in the relationship.

3. Don’t insist on obligations

In polyamorous relationships, there may be obligations as in monogamous couples. However, these obligations to partners will be very different. However, obligations are not the most important thing in polyamorous relationships. People entering into such relationships don’t want to create additional obligations to other partners. It can complicate relationships by creating new problems. More often, polyamorous partners pay attention to the feelings of another person. They choose behavior that will allow other participants to feel comfortable and not hurt anyone.

So, who is this relationship suitable for? Polyamory is suitable for those who plan to stay in such a relationship for a long time, and sometimes partners know each other for so long that it is easier for them to agree than to try to fix something. Polyamory is also chosen by those people who don’t want to end the relationship if they meet a new potential partner.