Signs of Verbal Abuse in a Relationship

05.02.2019

Most people are aware of the obvious signs of verbal and emotional abuse. After a pleasant dinner with your sweetheart at a cozy Italian cafe, you hear a man in his 50s is shouting at his spouse in the car park, “Hurry up, dummy, or I will leave you here!” You feel overwhelmed. “Whoa,” you think, “this is a completely unhealthy and offensive attitude. That’s so great that I don't have problems like that.” But then you start reflecting on your own relationships and ask yourself if this is all true. Verbal abuse is not always obvious, and on the contrary, sometimes it is very subtle. This may partly happen because many people don’t realize that they have got stuck in such relationships. However, is this a domestic verbal abuse you face daily with your partner? Or is this something else, pretty healthy and ordinary?

What Is Verbal Abuse?

In any relationship, there are moments when love takes a back seat, and one or both partners face verbal abuse in a relationship, which is accompanied by anger and resentment. However, even in the most serious quarrels, it is worth exercising restraint. What is considered verbal abuse? It is about rough and sharp words, which offend the personality, inflict deep emotional wounds, make you think about the advisability of continuing the love game. The reasons for this aggressive behavior can be very different. Among the main ones, it is possible to emphasize the following.

Pent-up anger

When a person conceals their grievances and discontent, negative emotions accumulate, and sooner or later, they turn into verbal abuse, which aimed at the partner. The spouse may be stunned by what is happening since they didn’t even know that their beloved one was peeved at something.

Personal self-affirmation

It happens that partners literally fight each other for a place of the leader in the family. There is a struggle of two dominants, and quarrels lead them to mutual insults. Most often, men do that because the desire for self-affirmation is given them by nature.

Different social levels of partners

Sometimes, people with different social statuses fall in love. For example, if a woman earns more money than a man or achieves greater success in her career, often focusing on her superiority, then scandals are inevitable. People are simply not comfortable to "play" inappropriate roles in a couple.

Parenting gaps

As you know, children adopt many of the manners and habits of their parents. An adult person who grew up in a family where parents often talked in a raised voice and used insults can use the same pattern of behavior all the time. And it doesn’t matter how good their present relationships are.

Personal drawbacks

Self-doubt, strong emotional dependence on a partner, jealousy, and fears often push people on impulsive and abusive actions. People who live in harmony with themselves don’t involve their partners in verbal and emotional abuse.

Signs of Verbal Abuse

How to recognize verbal abuse? Quite often, couples have heated discussions, showdowns or even real quarrels, but there is always a line which you shouldn’t cross. An insult, said in the heat of the moment, can divide the life of the couple into the period before and after, gradually destroying sincere love and their fairytale. This happens because they lose mutual respect and don’t know how to break the cycle of verbal abuse. However, you can be surprised when you find out that verbal abuse is not only about the swear words, and everything is much deeper. Here are another four types of verbal abuse that you might also face.

1. Radio silence

Your beloved partner has not broken up with you, but they completely neglect you, ignoring in any possible way. They don’t answer your messages and reject phone calls. Or, if you are living together, they don’t answer when you talk to them. Even though there is nothing “verbal” here at the first glance, these moments are a part of verbal abuse. When you don’t react to a person as well as pay attention to them, you exert mental pressure on them. If you don’t like this definition, you can call it emotional or mental abuse.

2. Passive-aggressive behavior

Just imagine the following situation. You cook a delicious dinner, having bought the best products, good wine, and dessert and spent several hours on the process itself. Your partner comes home after an ordinary working day, finishes everything you have cooked to the last crumb, and then tells you that everything was very tasty (an approval), but then add, “Almost as tasty as my mum usually cooks.” It’s about hidden verbal abuse.

3. Mind-reading

Your spouse demonstrates you that they know better who you are. They are very confident when they tell you that you are completely "immature," "frivolous” and “silly.” One of the red flags is the lack of cited and fair proof. A spouse may call you “light-minded,” or “illogical” without providing any arguments. If there was proof, you could face just criticism. Otherwise, this is just verbal abuse. People who try to increase their self-esteem, talking about your imagined drawbacks don’t deserve to be a part of your life.

4. Talks about others

Your beloved one feeds eyes on every attractive stranger in your presence. This is terribly creepy, especially if it is done consciously. However, this is not verbal. But, to talk about others in a romantic or sexual way, when you are in a committed relationship (without your agreement) is verbal abuse. In most cases, such behavior can hurt a partner and make them feel challenged.

Is Verbal Abuse permissible in a couple?

Every time when you face verbal abuse, there is a gross invasion of your personal space. A reasonable distance is an indispensable condition for happiness and satisfaction of every person. If this natural need is ignored, the person suffers, losing the possibility of restoring emotional balance. As a result, sooner or later the couple breaks up. Some people are used to mutual insults, and they don’t pay much attention to them. However, such a relationship cannot be called healthy! This is not the norm, and it does not lead to anything good. The destructive impact of verbal abuse is excellently shown in the Indian Vedas, where verbal abuse of people in love is compared to a rabid elephant, who destroys a blooming garden of love. It tramples and breaks delicate plants, eventually turning a beautiful place into a lifeless desert. It is difficult to think of a better allegory!

How to Deal with Verbal Abuse in a Relationship?

In addition to cultivating mutual respect, partners should direct their attention to working out some other important points. You should understand that you can cope with this phenomenon only if both of you want to dramatically change the situation. If your partner doesn’t see any problem and doesn’t want to change anything, then the best way for you is to leave and move on. But if both of you undertint the necessity to cope with the situation, then you should adhere to the following tips on how to stop verbal abuse.

• Be sure to establish a dialogue. You should frankly express your opinion, not allowing anger to accumulate and challenge your beloved partner at a time.
• Defend your personal space and do not put pressure on your partner. Absolutely every person is free in their essence. You should not push a loved one into a corner, limiting the circle of their interests as well as communication with friends and relatives. No one will be able to feel such pressure for a long time without negative consequences.
• Review your attitude to the partner. Do you love them? Did the warm feelings and the attraction pass away many months ago? If this is not the case, think about the reason why you have fallen in love with them.
• Try to accept their shortcomings because they are also important components of the personality that make them unique.
• Show your love more often! Be gentle, listen carefully and support your lover when they need it.
• Avoid reproaches and mockery as well as inappropriate comparisons as they poison healthy relationships.
• Instead of blaming a loved one, you can always talk to them, constructively discuss the problem and find a compromise. Compliance with these principles will allow each of the partners to develop an optimal model of behavior, dealing with verbal abuse in the future.

Long Term Effects of Verbal and Emotional Abuse

Chronic anxiety, which is a result of long-term verbal abuse very predictably leads to an excess of adrenaline and cortisol, which interfere with the development of white blood cells, which are the main "enemy" of your body.

Emotions are closely connected with general physical health. When your mind suffers, the body suffers with it, and you do not even suspect to which extent. Anxiety and depressed state, which are effects of verbal abuse, lead to the fact that the body gets tired and literally begins to emaciate, and the immune system goes down. Moreover, negative emotions can hurt even more. For example, experts view negativity as the cause of malignant tumors. Cancer is an excessive formation of cells under the influence of chemicals, and there are quite a lot of them around us. This disease has always been “exclusively medical,” which has been struggled with drugs and surgical interventions, but now specialists are proving that cancer can be nourished by your negative emotions. In turn, it means that bright emotions can lead people to recovery.

A study has shown that ladies who have been experiencing emotional and verbal abuse for a long time and then used remission as a form of treatment are less likely to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and anxiety. In other words, you should deal with your issue as soon as possible. How to respond to verbal abuse? If there is no a chance to change the situation, then you should break up, try to forgive and move on. Everything starts with self-acceptance, it allows you to get rid of pent-up anger towards those who have abused you.

Is Verbal Abuse a Crime?

Verbal abuse is quite an individual concept. A thing which is normal for one person, another one will perceive for the humiliation of their dignity. However, legislation of many countries provides for punishment of verbal abuse, so people should be careful in their words. In some cases, the punishment can be very severe, up to the criminal term. Judicial practice tells that in matters concerning verbal and emotional abuse, the most difficult moment is not even proof of what has been done, but the process of distinguishing one situation from another. People can differently react to certain emotions. That is why one should know the exact interpretation of the concept of verbal abuse on the part of the letter of the law and be able to distinguish one conflict from another in time.

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