Why Spending Too Much Time Together May Be Harmful for Couples

26.04.2020

How much time should couples spend together? There are different opinions on that. Usually, everything is individual - each person has their own preferences and vision of romantic relationships. For some people, meeting every day is the norm, while others prefer to spend only a few evenings a week together.

When we fall in love with a person, we feel euphoria, pleasure and a surge of inspiration. We want to talk for hours and can do nothing but stare into the eyes of the object of adoration as well as go on dates more often. In most cases, people succumb to this impulse and begin to plan daily meetings with their lovers. However, over time, they may notice that this abnormal interest in each other slowly disappears, and the desire to meet diminishes. Is it normal and how spending too much time together in the beginning can ruin the relationship? We are going to answer these and many other questions below.

Spending Too Much Time Together: When Does It Start to Hurt?

Sharing the same space 24/7 and doing all activities together violate the personal boundaries of people, and they begin to slowly dissolve in each other. Such relationships patterns may even lead to an emotional interdependence, and people may experience problems with being alone, feel scared to stay in silence, constantly seek opportunities to meet the partner.

Any relationship has two states: the need for proximity and contact, as well as the need for distance and separation. These are normal stages in relationships, and they do not mean that you are too independent or go through the crisis - it is normal to spend mornings together and see each other in the evening but want to stay at a distance during the working day.

Each person should have time for themselves when nobody distracts them from what they love to do. It can be time for meditation, a hot bath, sports, reading, etc. If it happens that you are trapped inside one apartment, you have to share the space so that each of you feels comfortable. If you do not feel safe being alone, if a desire to do something without your partner seems selfish to you, this can be a red flag.

Can spending too much time together ruin a relationship? In case only one of you has a hobby or knows how to have a quality time on their own, of course, the other one feels bored at times of the absence of the partner. This is a sign of emotional dependence, and you need to deal with it. Otherwise, you may live wonderful few years together spending each minute of the day with your partner and they burn out. A man will sneak into women seeking men sites, she will also seek extraordinary feelings on the side, but they will not be that excited to spend time together.

The Main Signs That We Spend Too Much Time Together

We have concluded that spending every second together may result in emotional burnout, and there will no mystery left in your relationship. But how not to miss the moment when your desire to have common leisure starts to cross the healthy line? Because when people are in love, longing for each other seems normal to them. Of course, there is a difference between all extremities, and this case is not an exception.

You feel the need to stay connected 24/7

For example, you have just had a date. You know that you will soon meet again but still feel an urge to call your beloved every hour or send them a dozen texts. “How was your day?” “Do you miss me?” “What are you thinking about now?” You leave no place for the personal. And such curiosity ruins the healthy balance between missing each other and giving each other attention. In case you dedicate so much time to communication with your partner even when you are not together, you still stay connected. It means, you are physically not near, but your thoughts are bound to this person. And this is unhealthy. Take a break, turn off the phone at night, read a book! Teach yourself to continue with your day after you said goodbye to each other. You had been living on your own before you met and now the other person cannot devote themselves fully to you. In case you want them to, this desire is toxic.

You influence each other’s relationship with friends

At first, it is hard for best friends to put up with the fact that you have met someone and now will pay less attention to them. Of course, it will be physically harder for you to devote as much time to meetings with friends if you want your romantic relationship to move forward. It gets easier with time and the friends who love you will make everything so that you stay happy. But the problems start when it is your beloved who is the root of all evil. In case your partner dictates you whom to spend time with and when you can go unwind with others, this is a toxic sign. Both people in the relationship should have acquaintances outside the couple and spend time with them whenever they want in case they respect the feelings of the partner. We do not talk about disappearing in the night to go party with friends. But in case you promised someone to spend time with them and your partner throws a tantrum begging you to stay home, this is not your problem.

You want them to love you 24/7

Another sign of obviously spending too much time together is when you get used to receiving a lot of attention and feel uncomfortable in case your partner stops doing this. You constantly ask your beloved whether they love you, miss you, what they like about you? Asking these is not only annoying for a partner, repeating the same every day ruins the magic of words. What would you prefer: for your partner to say that they love you each time they see you or say it rarely but with an exceptional passion? No one has to constantly prove their feelings to you and spend time together when they do not want. In case the person is forced to do so, one day they will get fed up with this and leave.

You cross yourself out of the world

If you have isolated yourself from all other relationships, you may be spending too much time with each other. Apart from your beloved, you should communicate with family, friends, work colleagues, and all kinds of random people! Neglecting activities outside the couple can lead to further regrets. So, take the opportunity to spend more time with other people to have a more fulfilling life and develop as a person. If your other half is the focus of your universe, one day they may get bored with it. Believe us, your partner will only appreciate that your life does not revolve around them and you can function independently. After all, they have once fallen in love with you and not your interest in them.

You cannot find the middle ground

You may ask, “Do we spend too much time together if we still feel comfortable?” Happy couples in a healthy relationship find a balance between independence and interdependence. Those, who spend all their time together, run the risk of becoming overly dependent on each other. They dissolve in each other, begin to function as a single organism but in a bad way, this can lead to an emphasized sense of guilt in case you do something separately from your beloved. As well as people who are living and doing everything in a pair risk to share abnormal empathy for each other, they worry about the feelings of their partner, fear for them as much as they fear for themselves, and finally, their personal happiness depends on the partner. This causes emotional weakness and powerlessness. Please, do not allow this to happen to your relationships by spending too much time together.

What Do the Experts Say?

Psychologists say that to find a healthy balance between not spending enough time together in a relationship and basically doing everything in a pair, a couple must constantly talk about their feelings. Never keep silent about your thoughts, or you risk accumulating a lot of negativity. As soon as one of you feels that their personal boundaries are violated or thinks that they do not get enough attention from the partner, you need to raise this issue and discuss why you feel offended or lonely. This is called the art of non-violent communication, and if you master it, no amount of time spent together will be harmful to you.

Expressing certain desires about spending time together, you should only talk about yourself. Because you cannot force the other one to act the way you want. We can only speak our minds and wait for others to correct their behavior in case they want us to be happy. Forget about the clichés like, "You must do this," "I said I want you to do it." Instead, speak about your inner state and why you want what you want, "It’s important for me to be alone now," "I really need a few minutes of complete silence," "I have missed you so much and I would like to watch some series with you or spend a weekend together," "It seems to me that you started paying less attention to my feelings." Thus, we ask the partner to help in the conditions in which we are today, and do not order them what to do.

According to experts, meeting 2-3 times a week is more than enough at the beginning of relationships. If you meet more often at the beginning, then perhaps this is too much, and you risk burning out after a few weeks. Spending 5 out of 7 days with each other is too much and can interfere with your personal space and other obligations. Keep a balance between a relationship with the person you like and your own pace of life. Pay due attention to your family, friends, career, and personal life. If your partner is not able to understand your personality and forces you to spend too much time together in a relationship, then perhaps they are not worth your devotion.

Harmonizing the Time Together: the Main Steps and Tips

Sometimes spending time together may be an exciting experience, we open our souls and see new sides to the person near us. We develop new attributes in ourselves and get to know the other one, and this involves not only talking but doing sports, going on holidays, partying, and anything you do together. But in order for this time to be positive and useful, you need to find the balance and respect for each other. Here are the few tips on how to do it.

Everyone needs personal time

Allow yourself to have 15-20 minutes for doing just what you want: read a book, do a face mask, go jogging, have a bubble bath, or watch YouTube. No matter how tight your schedule is, you need to have time to relax, and it should be spent separately from your partner. Only in this case, the few minutes spent on your own will make you feel invigorated and relaxed. It is absolutely normal to want to spend time separately, and your partner should know what you enjoy doing on your own and not interfere with your hobbies.

Define your personal space

You should agree on what you do together (eating, watching movies, cleaning) and separately (working, reading, studying), you should divide the space of your apartment so that each of you has a safe zone. You should both have different rooms or at least the corners you consider only yours and know that you can retreat there in case of an argument or when you want to stay alone. And your partner should respect the established arrangements. Discuss the topic in an adult way, considering the possible nuances and set some imaginary borders. This procedure is vital so that you can have quality time on your own without getting distracted.

Show respect and love for each other

People are often afraid of scandals, disputes, and misunderstandings. That is the reason they sometimes spend too much time separately and do not get closer to their partners. This is another mistake. But, in fact, arguing is not the end of the world. Take quarrels, disputes, and unpleasant conversations as a point of growth and an opportunity to understand something in a relationship, and not as a disaster. When you decide to take up a new hobby together, learn a new skill, or go on holiday, stress cannot be avoided, and quarrels will arise. But this is not the end of the world, you will have to learn to compromise, and then nothing will be impossible for you. Dissatisfaction must be pronounced. But the main thing is to try to avoid pressure, manipulation, and offends. If you want to express dissatisfaction, try to make it softer. The partner always reacts better to a soft voice. And claims with a loud displeased voice will immediately cause rejection and inability to continue the conversation.

Develop your emotional intelligence

One reason why you do not want to spend time with your partner or, on the contrary, cannot let them go wind down with friends may be your emotional immaturity. Some people cope with stress on their own, others need constant help from their partners going through times of change. But couples with emotional closeness and a high level of emotional intelligence manage all challenges effortlessly and know the balance. Emotional intelligence is the ability to empathize with the feelings of a partner. That is, try to step into their shoes and realize what they feel now, empathize, and take the needs of both into account. To balance the time spent together and receive only pleasure from it, you should feel each other on an emotional level, function as a smooth mechanism. Growing as a person and developing your emotional intelligence surely helps you in this.

Get busy on your own

Relationships should not interfere with your normal routine for everyday life. Firstly, do not be tempted to sit late at midnight watching series with your partner, remember that a healthy sleep strengthens the immune system and makes you less stressed. Secondly, always have a plan B for when your partner cannot spend time with you. They may be too exhausted after a hard working day to go for a walk with you, they may not feel well or their childhood friend suddenly arrives at the town and wants to meet. Life is full of unexpected circumstances, so you should no make a big deal out of spending time with your beloved. Better develop your own interestest, and then you will never get bored when alone and also have new emotions to share with your partner.

Plan a week

The psychological harmony in the relationships is easier to maintain in case you have a schedule for the week. For example, you know that you both work on a daily basis, have a lot of “me-time” that the other one cannot interfere with, and argue less when you both know what to expect from each other. Then, you can come up with something special for the weekend: a romantic dinner, a family party with a movie, dancing or playing the “Monopoly,” spring cleaning, or a hot night full of erotic experiments. The combination of a structural approach and a variety of activities allows you to make the most out of your common leisure. If you plan what you want to do together, you will both wait for this and be happy to get involved in doing something as a couple.

Analyze

If you experience problems having quality time together, something feels odd or one of you feels that they do not get enough attention, stop for a minute and carry out a thorough reflection. Meditate, philosophize, compose together or separately, do whatever helps you get the answers. The key to harmonious and balanced leisure spent together is the pleasure of both parties. Are you sure that you enjoy doing what you do, or you just do not want to disappoint your partner? Do you feel ok with your partner read silently while you cook, or you would like them to cheer you up and talk more? Talk about this and find out ways to spend time together comfortably for all.

The common leisure should be the change to get closer with your partner, learn new about yourself, and discover new talents of the person you love. Agree on what you both enjoy doing, adhere to the comfortable schedule, split the personal time and space so that no one feels trapped or manipulated. In case you notice first signs of dependence from your partner, talk to them about it, turn to a psychologist, or, if you can, try to cope with this on your own. The most important step in ceasing to wait for somebody’s attention is to love yourself first and learn how not to feel bored on your own. When you become an interesting person, you feel vigorous to spend time with yourself.